In our misandristic culture, “junk” is common slang for male genitals. But a man’s wonderful testicles and penis are more rightly called jewels. Men’s jewels should be protected from castration culture and violence against men. Men athletes today use a modern codpiece — a jockstrap with cup — to protect their jewels. In medieval Europe, fighting knights protected their jewels with chain-mail. But Lord de Merville’s medieval wife, with characteristic loving concern for her husband, implored him to protect their jewels even more securely.
Lord de Merville was an older man, but he insisted that he could still fight for his king as a knight. When his king called for fighting men, Lord de Merville pulled his rusty armor out of his closet and attempted to don it. However, the good Lord’s belly was now much more extended than it had been when he had been a fit young man. His armor now pushed far out from his groin:
His wife considered, in a thoughtful spirit, that he was taking little care of the common packet and staff of their marriage, seeing that he was protecting it only with chain mail. She decided that he should arm it very well and cage it with a stout jousting helmet that was hanging uselessly in his closet.
{ sa femme consydera en esprit contemplatif, que peu de soing avoit du pacquet & baston commun de leur mariage, veu qu’il ne l’armoit que de mailles, feut d’advis qu’il le munist tresbien & gabionnast d’un gros armet de ioustes, lequel estoit en son cabinet inutile. }[1]
In medieval Europe, spouses loved each other, lived together, and even had sex with each other. This wife’s concern for her jewels was celebrated in poetry:
Seeing her husband armed from tip to toe,
save for a codpiece, going to the war,
his wife exclaimed: “To keep you safe today,
my love, protect that part I cherish so.”
Could any scoffer rate her counsel low?
No, no, I say. Because her greatest fear,
seeing it lively, was to let it go —
that precious morsel that she held so dear.{ Celle qui veid son mary tout armé,
Fors la braguette aller à l’escarmouche,
Luy dist. Amy, de paour qu’on ne vous touche,
Armez cela, qui est le plus aymé.
Quoy? tel conseil doibt il estre blasmé?
Ie diz que non: Car sa paour la plus grande
De perdre estoit, le voyant animé,
Le bon morceau, dont elle estoit friande. }[2]
To encourage young men today to consider one day getting married, colleges and universities should include this poem in core course requirements for all students. They should also teach students to work to end violence against men.
Frère Jean des Entommeures, a heroic medieval monk carrying forth genius wisdom, offered advice about men’s jewels. Such jewels shouldn’t be kept locked away and taken out only for special marital occasions:
Only be careful and considerate. Be always connected and continue your banging. If you ever make an intermission, you’re lost, poor guy. It’ll happen to you what happens to wet nurses. If they stop nursing infants, they lose their milk. If you don’t continually exercise your cock, it’ll lose its milk, and it’ll be of no use but for pissing. Your balls also won’t be of use but as dead game in a pouch. I warn you, my friend. I have seen the experience in many men. They did little when they could, so they couldn’t do when they would. Thus by non-usage are lost all privileges. So say the law-clerks.
{ Seulement ayez esguard & consyderation: de tousiours bien lier & continuer tes coups. Si tu y fays intermission, tu es perdu paouvret: & t’adviendra ce que advient es nourrisses. Si elles desistent alaicter enfans, elles perdent leur laict. Si continuellement ne exercez ta mentule, elle perdra son laict, & ne te servira que de pissotière: les couilles pareillement ne te serviront que de gibbessière. Ie t’en advise mon amy. I’en ay veu l’experience en plusieurs: qui ne l’ont peu quand ilz vouloient: car ne l’avoient faict quand le povoient. Aussi par non usaige sont perduz tous privilèges, ce disent les clercs. }[3]
That’s the sort of advice that Europe now desperately needs to hear. Jewels in action provide the seminal blessing. If men don’t value their jewels, if men passively accept castration culture, many women won’t value them.
lovely balls
kindly balls
passionate balls
lively balls
giant balls
manly balls
exquisite balls
intimate balls
incarnative balls
restorative balls
muscular balls
oracular balls
helpful balls
healthful balls
banging balls
ringing balls
fulfilling balls
lusty balls
cuddly balls
pretty balls
working balls
anointing balls
aromatic balls
salvific balls
[4]
* * * * *
Read more:
- Rabelais added dog piss to Flamenca’s mockery of elite pretenses
- Syritha’s female gaze nearly defeated giant-slayer Othar
- Babio, courtly lover to his step-daughter, cuckolded & castrated
Notes:
[1] François Rabelais, The Life of Gargantua and of Pantagruel, The Third Book of Pantagruel {La vie de Gargantua et de Pantagruel, Le tiers livre de Pantagruel}, Chapter 8, Middle French text from Bon (1992-3), English translation (modified) from Frame (1999). Chapter 8 is entitled, “How the codpiece is the most important piece of armor among men of war {Comment braguette est première pièce de harnois entre gens de guerre}.”
The Christian monk Rabelais had Tiers livre first published in 1546. For a critical edition with annotations, Michel (1966). For an online, freely available English translation, Urquhart & Motteux (1894). Subsequent quotes above are similarly sourced.
Pantagruel reported finding a book titled The Marriage Packet {Le Pacquet de Mariage} in the library of the Abbey of Saint-Victor. See Rabelais, Pantagruel, Chapter 7.
[2] Rabelais, Tiers livre, Chapter 8. Panurge attributed this poem to the third book of The Shitter-Shatter of the Young Women {Le Chiabrena des pucelles}. He reported finding this book in the library of the Abbey of Saint-Victor. See Rabelais, Pantagruel, Chapter 7. This poem actually appeared in the earlier poetic anthology, Flowers of French Poetry {Fleurs de la poésie françoyse}, published in 1534.
[3] Rabelais, Tiers livre, Chapter 27, “How Brother John joyfully advised Panurge {Comment Frère Ian ioyeusement conseille Panurge}.” On the heroic Frère Jean, Weinberg (1971). “Jean’s role is consistently that of a co-worker with God, on a humble level, of course.” Id. p. 304.
[4] Cf. the long catalog of epithets Panurge applies to Frère Jean’s testicle in Tiers livre, Chapter 26, and the long catalog of epithets Frère Jean uses for Panurge’s testicle in Tiers livre, Chapter 28.
Panurge noted that the preeminent ancient Roman physician Galen in his treatise On Semen {De semine} declared the testicles to be more important than the heart. Tiers livre, Chapter 8. Jewish and Christian scripture similarly emphasizes the seminal blessing.
[image] Three-quarter black and white armor with armored codpiece. Made between 1540 and 1550 in Nuremburg, Germany. The Royal Armouries, Leeds accession # 35.2008, now in the Cleveland Art Museum, Cleveland, USA. Photo thanks to Tim Evanson and Wikimedia Commons.
References:
Bon, François, ed. 1992-3. François Rabelais. Gargantua et Pantagruel, Le Tiers-Livre. Electronic edition of the Édition Fezandat, Paris, 1552. Paris: P.O.L. Alternate presentation.
Frame, Donald M. 1999. The Complete Works of François Rabelais. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.
Michel, Pierre, ed. 1966. François Rabelais. Le Tiers Livre. Paris: Gallimard.
Urquhart, Thomas and Peter Anthony Motteux, trans. 1894. The Works of Rabelais, faithfully translated from the French, with varioram notes, and numerous illustrations by Gustave Doré. Derby, England: Moray Press.
Weinberg, Florence M. 1971. “Frère Jean, Évangélique: His Function in the Rabelaisian World.” The Modern Language Review. 66 (2): 298-305.